“Perfect” is an abstract piece that provides a different perspective on the overwhelming and debilitating feeling of perfectionism due to anxiety. Perfectionism was one of the most prominent effects that anxiety had on me, and my insanely high expectations for perfection ultimately led to lower self-esteem and no self-love.
Whenever something failed to meet my expectations, I blamed myself and told myself I wasn’t worth it. Instead of focusing on my accomplishments, I judged myself for my failures. It led to comparisons, tears, and a vicious cycle of perfectionism leading to more anxiety and declining self-esteem levels. A once happy and carefree child had turned into an introverted, pessimistic, anxious perfectionist. The “Oh, you can’t do this” and the “Why can’t you do this? Are you stupid?” are thoughts that to this day, I still can’t fight off.
However, things have changed. I know more about myself, and my weaknesses. Every single day, I wake up to a battle only I know about. This abstract is a glimpse of this very battle. I hope that this piece provides support to those who have had or are going through similar thoughts and experiences, and for them to remember that they are not alone in their struggles to ultimately become the best version of themselves.
my mind
it looks for Perfect
it expects Perfect
there is no less, no other way.
my self-worth? no, rather how Perfect I am
Expectations, regrets
fill my being; heart, soul, body, mind.
Expectations within me,
lead to War, self-love and Hatred
How dare you not understand?
How dare are you not right?
like a Parent scolding a Child,
my Mind scolds my Heart, my Body
they writhe in fear, overflow with anxiety
overflow with helplessness
Love I do, love I do but not myself
Love I my friends, but not myself
Love I my family, but not myself!
Love I this world, but never, ever myself?!
Love myself only when I am perfect,
but is that possible?
no human can ever be perfect, no one
Perfect is the culprit, perfectionism a plague
to the mind and body
a plague that cripples the spirit and feeds
the negativity hidden
within me.
It is War everyday,
between me and myself
my anxiety and perfectionism and self-hate gruelly battle against my will
the will to love myself once more, to be positive
and I want to win.
