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“Perfect” is an abstract piece that provides a different perspective on the overwhelming and debilitating feeling of perfectionism due to anxiety. Perfectionism was one of the most prominent effects that anxiety had on me, and my insanely high expectations for perfection ultimately led to lower self-esteem and no self-love. 

Whenever something failed to meet my expectations, I blamed myself and told myself I wasn’t worth it. Instead of focusing on my accomplishments, I judged myself for my failures. It led to comparisons, tears, and a vicious cycle of perfectionism leading to more anxiety and declining self-esteem levels. A once happy and carefree child had turned into an introverted, pessimistic, anxious perfectionist.  The “Oh, you can’t do this” and the “Why can’t you do this? Are you stupid?” are thoughts that to this day, I still can’t fight off. 

However, things have changed. I know more about myself, and my weaknesses. Every single day, I wake up to a battle only I know about. This abstract is a glimpse of this very battle. I hope that this piece provides support to those who have had or are going through similar thoughts and experiences, and for them to remember that they are not alone in their struggles to ultimately become the best version of themselves. 

my mind 

        it looks for Perfect

        it expects Perfect

                there is no less, no other way.

my self-worth? no, rather how Perfect I am

       Expectations, regrets        

              fill my being; heart, soul, body, mind.

Expectations within me,

       lead to War, self-love and Hatred

              How dare you not understand? 

              How dare are you not right?

like a Parent scolding a Child,

       my Mind scolds my Heart, my Body

              they writhe in fear, overflow with anxiety

              overflow with helplessness

Love I do, love I do but not myself

       Love I my friends, but not myself

       Love I my family, but not myself! 

       Love I this world, but never, ever myself?!

Love myself only when I am perfect, 

       but is that possible? 

              no human can ever be perfect, no one

Perfect is the culprit, perfectionism a plague

       to the mind and body

       a plague that cripples the spirit and feeds

              the negativity hidden 

              within me. 

It is War everyday,

       between me and myself

       my anxiety and perfectionism and self-hate gruelly battle against my will

       the will to love myself once more, to be positive 

and I want to win.