Overexplaining is a habit I’ve carried with me since childhood; one I’m constantly trying to unlearn. It often comes from a place of wanting to be understood, but it can be exhausting to navigate. I recently had a conversation with CEO and award-winning mental health advocate, Valery Brosseau, about this struggle, as it’s something she’s been working to overcome as well.
Brosseau is the CEO and head facilitator of Validate Mental Health, a Canada-wide organization that offers speaking engagements, workshops and training on a wide range of mental health topics. Our candid conversation explored where overexplaining comes from, why it’s so common and how we can begin to permit ourselves to take up space without justification.
Q: How would you describe overexplaining to someone who isn’t familiar with the term or unaware they’re doing it?
A: Overexplaining is sort of assuming that we’re not worthy of somebody just at face value, respecting our boundaries. We have to overexplain it to them. I think another aspect of it is the way that women are socialized and the way that gender expectations are societally.
As we grow up, especially as women, we’re put in this place where we have this sort of unconscious understanding that we need to be agreeable. Overexplaining is to ensure that the other person eventually agrees, but this boundary doesn’t have to make sense to them. It’s about what’s safe and self-respecting for us. Overexplaining is a way of trying to get the other person to really agree and approve of our boundary when in reality we don’t need that. We just need them to know what the boundary is and know that it needs to be respected.
Q: Can you expand on the emotional cost that comes with overexplaining, both personally and professionally?
A: I think they’re very connected, both personally and professionally. There are a lot of parallels there. It really is a matter of when that emotional cost becomes at the cost of your positive sense of self and your understanding of your own worth. What happens is that you feel like you owe someone. You feel you owe someone every minute detail of your life to justify.
We feel the need to overexplain to make sure that the other person respects the boundary, when they should respect it. It’s something that I’m trying to grow out of and build some assertiveness as a female entrepreneur.
Q: Can you recall a moment when you realized how exhausting these constant explanations can be, not just intellectually, but emotionally?
A: I think some of it started to sink in the past year and a half, as I started getting a lot more requests from people who wanted to “pick my brain”. I realized that truly just means being a consultant for free. I started realizing that I can’t do everyone a favour all the time, or else I will have no revenue coming in, and I will live in a cardboard box. It just made me realize that people don’t intentionally want to be manipulative or take advantage, but they just don’t realize they’re doing that.
Q: How does constantly having to justify your needs or boundaries affect someone’s mental health over time?
A: It prevents you from being able to replenish your emotional energy because you’re stuck in a place of feeling like you don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve self-care. You’re not worthy of that time. You need to be giving performance and productivity all the time. The fact that women feel the need to overexplain is tied into patriarchy, misogyny, and that’s tied into capitalism. It’s all the systemic inequities and structures that function in our world to keep us in certain patterns. If we’re not aware of it, we can’t start combating it first in our own lives, and then standing up for it in other people’s lives as well.
Q: Overexplaining takes a toll on women, as you touched on, but what about for other groups or marginalized communities?
A: Whether it’s somebody of a racialized background where assumptions are made about who they are, or somebody who is queer in a straight-centred space, where you are the anomaly in the space, then there’s an extra burden on you more than the others. You feel the need to overexplain yourself because you have to push to have your boundaries respected, and you have to push to have your voice heard, so that is huge emotional labour. It’s like screaming into a wind tunnel. You have to be even louder because you’re trying to overpower the voice of the majority, in whatever space you’re in. Take a woman in a boardroom full of men, you’re going to be tempted to overexplain and try to convince others of your point, but it should just stand as is because of the value of what you have to say.
Q: What role does trust or the lack of it play in the need to constantly explain your choices or boundaries?
A: If you’re in a space where you trust the people you’re communicating with, then it’s much easier to just state what the boundary or the need is and leave it at that. There’s a pattern of being cared for and being respected, and what you say being valued with people you trust, unlike when you’re in a space where that pattern doesn’t exist or it hasn’t been proven yet.
Find those few people in your life where you can be very direct and have your boundaries and your self-worth respected right off the bat, without needing to explain. Those people can be restful spaces. Then, also focus on activities within your life that replenish your emotional energy. My husband will often ask me when I commit to something fun or friend-related if it’ll take away spoons or replenish spoons. It really gets me to think and have a little bit of self-awareness. Will this actually replenish some of my emotional bandwidth, or is it going to further deplete it even if it’ll be fun?
Q: Lastly, what does it look like to set these boundaries, and how do you advocate for yourself personally?
A: Boundaries are really difficult. They need to be very succinct, clear and direct, obviously without being rude. Often, we need to set a consequence, not in a punitive way, but in a way that explains if you don’t adhere to this boundary, here are the actions I’ll have to take to care for my own mental and physical wellness. That formula can make it a little bit easier, but it does take a lot of practice, and it takes a lot of building that intrinsic self-worth and that self-awareness.
One huge piece of that is advocating for yourself, and really being familiar with relevant legislation. For example, in a workplace, you do not have to disclose a diagnosis with an employer to get accommodations, and a lot of people don’t know that. Being really knowledgeable on your rights and the legislation around accommodations for whatever it is that you need support within a workplace or at school, is one thing that can be very helpful. There are different regulations and different environments, but being aware of those can really help you know what you’re entitled to, and help you navigate any situation a little bit better.
