“What am I doing with my life?” is a common question plaguing the minds of many 20-30-year-olds. The expectation to have the meaning of life figured out by 25 seems to be a newfound pressure among millennials and Gen-Zers, unlike their Gen-X and baby boomer counterparts, with 75% of adults aged 25-33 reporting they’ve experienced a quarter-life crisis. The concept of a quarter life crisis is becoming more common, with EBSCO Information services reporting: “individuals are choosing to attend college and find employment before getting married, buying a house, and having children. After graduation, they feel confused about what to do with their lives as they are presented with many choices.” I could not help but notice the inclusion of the socially expected milestones: graduation, getting married, buying a house, and having children as indications of a life well lived as they are the only socially laid out expectations left for an individual to “achieve.” The presentation of many choices is only overwhelming because life is front-loaded with structure, purpose, and accomplishments. However, once these expectations are fulfilled, many people experience a quarter-life crisis, as they are unable to forge a purpose for themselves, with about 42% of Gen-zers struggling with feelings of hopelessness. Taking into account social milestones, the individual is then encouraged to revert back to the beginning of life through the final societal expectation: childrearing –vicariously living through the structure they pass down to their children.
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From the moment a person is born, expectations are thrust upon them; although they may be as simple as developmental milestones indicative of health and wellness, the expectations begin nonetheless. The earliest, easiest, and most intuitive to achieve for most are early developmental triumphs: crawling, walking, talking. What seems so commonplace in adult life was once a huge feat to be celebrated. In early childhood, making friends, learning to read, and cultivating imagination can all be attributed to the blanket achievement of starting daycare and kindergarten. After these establishing skills, it is one social expectation after another of achievement: elementary school, middle school, extracurricular achievements, high school, drivers license, prom, university/college, legal drinking age, graduation. Childhood and adolescent life is littered with firsts, guidance, and purpose. However, within transition to early adulthood, as driving becomes more commonplace, dances dwindle, and every assignment is turned in, a paradoxical crushing freedom emerges, and EBSCO Information’s observation that “[young adults] feel confused about what to do with their lives as they are presented with many choices” begins. In the face of this new freedom there are two options an individual can consider: road mapping a new, individualized path of personal expectations, or repeat the cycle.
“Your late 20s is such a weird age… half my friends are married with kids, the other half are blackout drunk in Europe trying to find themselves,” says TikToker @Loganmcky. This provocative and relatable line illustrates the absurd contrast of experiences within early adulthood by juxtaposing the straight and narrow path with the chaos of trying to understand oneself. What makes the quarter-life crisis years so difficult is the rush to understand; to understand oneself. One’s purpose and goals in life, while simultaneously meeting those expected milestones of a career, marriage, and home ownership. These remaining expectations as the last socially accepted, mapped out accomplishments can be interpreted as preparation for a symbolic personal death in preparation to relive this cycle through children. This system of socially expected life accomplishments can be good if this is the life chosen by the individual. However, it provides little guidance to the late 20 year olds getting drunk in Europe as deviating from this path abandons the individual on their personal journey of discovery from those who are content with conformity. Alongside the 21st century lifestyle as a cause of the quarter life crises, the rise in pronatalism, gender essentialism and individuality aid in the already overwhelming pressure to conform and have children, despite there being more social, financial, and personal freedom to do otherwise.
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Like any social expectation, people feel pressured to achieve these milestones at a similar pace as their friends and family members. Therefore, around the ages of 20-35, when one’s social group typically begins having children, one may feel pressured to do so as well. The fear of “falling behind” can be very real for many young people, especially if they feel coerced by their own family. For example, parents constantly bringing up their desire to become grandparents might pressure their children to have kids, despite not having the desire or financial means to do so. When the trail of socially expected accomplishments runs dry it is easy to start life how it began, by imitating adults. Playing house with a baby in your arms.
After landing a job, marriage becomes the first step in recreating the structure many grew up watching. A way to keep the timeline moving when there is nothing better to do. For people unsure about what comes next, marriage becomes the obvious answer. Not necessarily because it is desired, but because it is expected. However, the hold it once had is starting to loosen.
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In 2020, Canada saw its lowest number of marriages since 1938, with just 98,355 marriages recorded, amounting to only two-thirds (-33%) of the number registered in 2019 (146,121). While some of this can be attributed to pandemic disruptions, the downward trend in marriage rates prior to Covid-19 points to a broader cultural shift. For generations, marriage has functioned as a key marker of adulthood , signaling stability, maturity, and readiness to “move forward” in life. To delay, reject, or redefine marriage is to interrupt this expected path to adulthood, as it disrupts the idea that adult legitimacy or fulfillment must come through partnership. As more people pursue higher education, career growth, or personal independence on their own timeline, marriage is no longer regarded as a universal milestone but one of many possible life choices.
While the pressure to have children remains deeply embedded. Reinforced by parents, peers, and institutions, its grip is no longer absolute either. Canada’s fertility rate reached a new record-low in 2023, joining the group of extremely low fertility countries, such as South Korea, Spain, Italy, and Japan, with 1.3 children per woman or less. While economic uncertainty, housing instability, and a lack of institutional support are often cited as factors, the decline also reflects a growing cultural shift: parenthood is no longer assumed. Instead of treating children as a built-in part of a successful adulthood, more people are actively weighing whether parenting fits into their lives at all. The fact that this question is being asked at all is significant. For many, delaying or opting out of parenthood challenges the belief that parenting is inherently self-actualizing. As previously mentioned, some may attempt to signal self-actualization by having children, but for others, fulfillment lies elsewhere, and the refusal to participate in the cycle becomes a conscious and deeply personal act of disruption.
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Even without marriage or children, caregiving still follows many into adulthood, often in the form of housework, emotional labour, and assumed responsibility for others. These expectations disproportionately fall on women, who are still expected to organize their lives around the needs of their partners, parents, and households. According to a report by Statistics Canada, women tended to do more household work compared to men, averaging 820 hours and 540 hours respectively from 2015-2019. However, more women are refusing this role entirely or requiring more equal partnerships. Higher education and advanced career goals are no longer framed as temporary pursuits before “real life” begins. For many, they are the life pursuits central to personal growth, identity, purpose, and long-term security. Choosing not to centre adulthood around care is not just personal preference, but a rejection of the idea that fulfilment must come through sacrifice.
The first 25 years of life are structured by a timeline so recognizable it hardly needs an explanation. School, graduation, a job, a life-long partner, and maybe considering having a child or two. These early milestones offer a sense of direction, validation, and momentum, but once that sequence ends, many find themselves unprepared for what comes next. Adulthood can start to feel stalled, and the only way forward seems to be backward: recreating the same script through marriage, childrearing, or caregiving. Yet this repetition is no longer seamless or universal. People are increasingly confronting the limitations of the traditional script and choosing not to follow it. Across areas such as marriage, reproduction, domestic labour, and work, many are delaying, rejecting, or rewriting the steps they once were told would help them live life to the fullest. These changes have left many wondering if the millennial and Gen-Z generations have paved a new definition for “adulthood”, or if perhaps the “adulthood blueprint” needed some changing all along.
